A High-School Graduate Among Us

High-School Graduate and Happy, Proud Momma

It hardly seems possible, but the day has come and gone: Alexandra No-Middle-Name Bigelow has graduated from high school.  The exciting event occurred Friday, June 10, 2016.  

PRHS Recipients of the Bi-Literacy Seal

The weeks leading up to the ceremony were busy and momentous: Alex and approximately 40 other Paso Robles High School 12th graders received the "Top Cat" award for being in the academic top 10 per cent of their class; this honor included the presentation of a medal which they wore for the graduation ceremony.  Alex and 36 others out of their graduating class of 413 students earned a bi-literacy seal on their diplomas and another medal to wear around their necks for the graduation ceremony.  Alex and the Paso High Theater Company performed a few final shows which were of particular importance to her since her drama family is the center of her universe.  Alex's drama teacher Marcy Goodnow awarded a VAPA cord to the Visual and Performing Arts students who have taken more than a thousand (or some inflated number) of VAPA classes, and so Alex had another decoration to wear for the graduation ceremony.

Alex flanked by her best buddies Amber and Bella

It was at one of those last theatrical performances that I especially felt the pang of DJ's absence, and the sadness of my kid's daddy not being present.  I cried a lot.  But by the time that the graduation ceremony itself rolled around a week later, I felt super happy and comforted that all of our family and many friends gathered to celebrate Alex and to support me.  It is good and healthy and right that Alex has graduated high-school and is preparing to fly away from our nest and become a college freshman. Hooray!  

Alex and Georgia Brown friends Cassidy, Bella, Jamison

Alex and Auntie Linda McCutcheon

Another fun pre-graduation something that occurred is a new tradition for Paso Robles High School, the elementary school walk.  All of the graduating seniors loaded up in buses and were transported to the local elementary schools from which they'd matriculated.  The elementary school kids lined the sidewalks of their campus while the seniors paraded through and waved and signed autographs.  It was super special to watch our kids who have come from Georgia Brown since kinder be the "celebrities".  And since Caedmon attended Georgia Brown, he was able to wave and hug his sister.  Preciousness.  :-)

Walking the "halls" of Georgia Brown Elementary School

And now it is summer vacation for the kiddos, which is a happy place for them all to be.  I am blessed with my full-time-with-medical-benefits job that I love, so I don't have the summer "off"; but I have plans for several fun trips to take with them.  I'm sure that the next 8 weeks will be fun and busy and we will make lots of happy memories.  

This post has been all-about-Alex, so I will highlight Brooke and Caedmon for you in the near future.

The end of this month will mark 8 months since DJ went to Jesus.  It is a strange place to be for me.  It is many different things in my heart and my mind and for our family.  Thank you for your prayers for us.  Please don't stop.  There are lots of smiles and we are so blessed and fortunate; but there are also tears and angst and other things.  I am deeply grateful for your support of and love for us.  Thank you.

I heard a performance recently of the song Imagine by John Lennon, and it made me very sad. Imagine there's no heaven?  Well, STINK!  I am not going to do that!  I am the most to be pitied, if there is no resurrection and no eternal life with Jesus and no new bodies and if sin and sickness and death and mourning are my forever reality! Forget that.

When I mentioned these thoughts to my friend Crystal Benyo, she suggested I Can Only Imagine instead, which makes me happy.  "Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?  Will I dance for You, Jesus, or in awe of You be still?  Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?  Will I sing 'Hallelujuah' - will I be able to speak at all?  I can only imagine...I can only imagine when all I will do is forever, forever worship You.  I can only imagine!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_lrrq_opng

"But our citizenship is in heaven;  and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body" (Ephesians 3:20-21)."

As always, thank you - thank you - thank you - thank you - and thank you a thousand times more for loving us.  

Shout-out to Mary Sponhaltz...

Dear Friends, thank you so very much for your love for us.  I realize that it's been quite a time since I've posted, and this post is especially for Mary Sponhaltz, who told me she was experiencing blog-withdrawals.  I feel very loved!  

In the very near future, I will give you some family updates and lots of photos and a little bit of my heart.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving us.  We love you back!!

I Am Not Alone

Hello, Friends,  

Thank you for loving us.  Thank you for praying for us.  Thank you for encouraging us and supporting us and blessing us with God's grace.  I am humbled and deeply grateful by all you do on our behalf.

Did you know that I am not super-anything?  I am not Supermom.  I am not Superwoman.  I am not Supergirl.  I am blessed beyond measure by God's grace, and most of the time I feel happy and joyful and energetic and peaceful and content and filled with faith and grace.  Sometimes I feel tired and weary and lonely and broken and empty and incapable and unable.

In the first month or so after DJ went to be with Jesus, my primary emotions were of relief that his suffering was ended and happiness that he is in the very presence of the LORD.  Yahoo!  What a blessing, what grace and hope belong to us!

In the past month or so, I have been more keenly aware of my emptiness. Particularly as it pertains to the parenting of our children and as noted by my LCSW, not only am I a single parent, I am the ONLY parent.  And recently I have felt the gravity of the truth that I can never be DJ Bigelow, their father, for A, B and C.  This highlights my sense of alone-ness and inability to meet their needs.  There have been times in the recent past that I have felt broken, and without earthly resource, and totally depleted.  I am grateful for the gift of faith in my heart, and that I have not given in to fear - I have walked to the edge and looked out over the possibilities of things that could cause fear to rise in my heart, but I do not camp there.  I have a healthy habit of surrendering my heart to the LORD (and even this is a gift of God's grace); and of course, He is again granting me peace and hope in place of anxiety. But I have felt empty.

I am listening a lot this week to Kari Jobe's "I Am Not Alone", which brings comfort to my heart.  "In the midst of deep sorrow, I see Your Light is breaking through.  The dark of night will not overtake me, I am pressing in to You. LORD, You fight my every battle, and I will not fear.  I am not alone, I am not alone, You will go before me, You will never leave me."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow4OfW4DP9s


Please know that for most of my hours, I am encouraged and happy and content and cheerful and peaceful.  God has blessed me with many, many friends and with so much joy and happiness and good things.  I am not overcome by sadness and sorrow and depression and despair.  But I am not immune to the realities of life.  And I guess that you appreciate the knowledge of what is in my heart.  :-)

So - as you pray for me and my family, please pray specifically for Alexandra, Brookelow and Caedmon Van Bigelow.  Please pray that the loss of their earthly father will drive them to know their Heavenly Father in profound, life-changing, beautiful, healing, comforting, redemptive ways.  Please pray that their mother will be appropriately present and available to offer them comfort, and that she will be wise and loving and firm and patient and filled with the Holy Spirit, particularly as it pertains to her parenting of them.  Please pray that the LORD will grant to Alex, Brooke and Caed exactly what they need, and that they will receive and experience from God what God gives to them.

I appreciate the last lines of "The Serenity Prayer", and I agree with it: everything will be alright, because we have Jesus:

"...trusting that You will make all things right if we surrender to Your will, so that we may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen."

Aaaaaa-men!  Everything's going to be alright, of this I am confident.

Thank you for loving us!  I am positively absolutely without-a-doubt certain that we are sustained and blessed and upheld and granted God's grace by your prayers.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, one thousand times thank you!

Happy January

Hello, my friends, you whom I love and appreciate.  Thank you for loving us!

The kids and I are settling into our new normal, more or less, of what it is to be a family of four.  I continue to work full time at a job that I love, love, love; Alexandra and Brooke and Caedmon are engaged each in their respective school and extra-curricular activities; our friend base and network of support is vast - thank you for loving us and for praying for us and for giving to us and for reaching out to us.  We are blessed beyond measure!  God's grace is poured out upon us in fullest measure and I am CERTAIN that is in large part due to your prayers.  Thank you, thank you, one thousand times I thank you! 

Here is a photo of Holly Bigelow winning a game of Settlers of Cattan:

Here is a photo of my sister-in-law Lisa McDonald 

with two of my children and myself, at Avila Beach:

Here are some fun photos of a recent trip we took to visit friends at Hume Lake:

Lots of kids

Caedmon and Dylan, in LegoLand and Minecraft Paradise

Cassidy and Alex in the snow

Girls in the kitchen with Happy Saunders

Poor Dayton. This is what happens when he gives up his room to me and sleeps on the living room floor - The Attack of the Teenage Girls (notice the sticker on Dayton's forehead, placed while he tried to sleep).

Regarding the work of grief and the emotional tone in the Bigelow household - you may recall from previous posts that I have described myself as riding an emotional roller coaster.  (Actually, if you know me at all, you know that this is true of me for the past 42 years.  :-)  This continues to be true of me in this season, although I am fortunate and grateful that I have not been overwhelmed with sadness to the point of being incapacitated and unable to carry on.  God's grace is deep, and good, and amazing.  I experience times of great joy and happiness, I experience times of contentment and peacefulness, sometimes I feel melancholy and lonely, and all of the time I am aware of my desperate need for more and more and more of Jesus to fill up my heart.  My experience is perhaps similar to yours - we are alive.  We need the LORD to fill us up.  We are blessed beyond measure with provision and protection.  We grieve the losses. We live one day at a time.  And it is ever and always true - the LORD will never leave us or forsake us.  

As for my children, they seem to me to be holding up alright.  They attend school, they participate in their extra-curriculars, they hang with their friends, they are precious and unique and moody and wonderful and exasperating and fantastic (as teenage girls and an almost-pre-teen boy can be).  Caedmon expresses sadness over DJ's absence the most - perhaps once or week or so he comes and puts his arms around me and cries a little.  The girls are not very often expressive to me, and I sense the importance at this time of being present and available but not overly pushy in forcing them to tell their feelings.  I ask for a check-in a few times per month.  But we talk about DJ often as a family, and we laugh and we remember stories, and sometimes we cry.  We are living one day at a time.  As far as I can tell, they are doing as well as can be for this first three months since DJ went to be with Jesus.  I don't really know for sure, but I pray and I trust that the LORD is at work. Feel free to pray for us.  :-)  And I know you do, and I thank you very much. 

Here is a little gem that I read just this very morning from Jesus Calling - "My Peace is the treasure of treasures: the pearl of great price.  It is an exquisitely costly gift both for the Giver and the receiver.  I purchased this Peace for you with My blood.  You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms.  If you have the world's peace - everything going your way - you don't seek my unfathomable Peace.  Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.  Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world.  Expect them each day.  Rejoice in the face of hardship, for I have overcome the world."

And another little beauty that I read recently in Streams in the Desert: "You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings.  God gives us His promises in a quiet hour, seals our covenants with great and gracious words, then steps back, waiting to see how much we believe Him.  He then allows the Tempter to come, and the ensuing tests seem to contradict all that He has spoken.  That is when faith wins its crown.  This is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened sailors declare 'I have faith in God that it will happen just as He told me (Acts 27:25)'."

I wonder, my dear Reader, where your faith is being forged. How are you coming to know the Peace of God in deeper and more beautiful ways through your sadness and sufferings?  Do you want to tell me?  You can send me a little note at "hollybigelow@charter.net", if you are so inclined.  :-)  

Our friends Dave and Belinda Smith visited our home recently, and here are some photos from our time together:

And on the trip home from Hume last week, 

I enjoyed a quick visit with my friend Yvonne Downs 

and her boys Stephen and John:

The End, For Now.  Thank You For Loving US!!!  

Thank you for loving us!!!

Hello, my dear and precious friends,

I love you all, and I am grateful and humbled that you love us so deeply.

Please pardon me for not posting for so many weeks.  I intend to do so in the near future, and to continue doing so (if you desire).

Please know that A, B, C and I are doing as well as can be expected for these seven weeks since DJ went to be with Jesus.  

I have a theory, that the LORD is granting to me a special measure of grace.  I confess that I have not been socked in the belly with overwhelming grief or horrible sadness at DJ's death. I experienced an amount of pre-grieving in the days and weeks prior to October 31; and I continue to rejoice that DJ's earthly suffering has ended and that he is in the presence of God Almighty, worshiping the LORD and hanging with Jesus.  DJ is where we are all intended to be, doing what we are created to do.  Lucky duck - he got an early ticket!  :-)  I am grateful for every moment of our relationship and for every day since DJ's diagnosis in 2010 that we had together - and particularly the time that our children experienced with him. I am attempting to do the work of grief (although it has not been difficult work for me thus far), I am enjoying the moments of this holiday season, and I feel peaceful and content.  God's grace is, as the song indicates, amazing.  Surely, this is a divine gift of God's grace to me.  

Three days after DJ went to be with Jesus, the Paso Robles High School Lady Bearcats volleyball team played their last game of the regular season, during which they honored DJ and our family tremendously.  Here is a short video clip of the girls speaking about DJ and loving on me before the game began (you may need to copy and paste into your browser):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJU9GsT_ogU

Coach Kodie and Coach Justin and Coach Cindy all purchased Seahawks shirts to represent in honor of DJ.  And the team borrowed DJ's 12th Man jersey and kept a chair open for him (which they carried back and forth from each side of the court for each game).  And the girls each laid a Seahawk-colored rose on his chair in his honor.  It was very precious.  Here is a photo of the team and of Brooke, Alexandra, DJ's chair, and myself after the game.  I felt very loved.




And here is another link: a friend took a quick video shot just before DJ's party began, to indicate how many persons gathered to celebrate.  It was overwhelming how many of you attended.  Thank you for loving us!  

https://www.facebook.com/mike.ens.3/videos/1187981307897375/?l=4854810149241068322  

I intend to post more photos of DJ's party "in the near future" (unfortunately, although there was an attempt to make a video of the gathering, technical difficulties kept that from occurring). 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my sweet and dear friends, for loving us and serving us and supporting us!  God's grace is poured out upon us in fullest measure through you!  Stay tuned - and thank you for loving us!  

xoxoxo from HollyB

A Celebration of DJ's Life

Dear Friends,

I am prepared here and now to give you some details about the gathering to which you are invited, for the purposes of thanking God for the gift of DJ's life and for being together.  Are you ready?

Date: Saturday, November 14, 2015

Time: 1:00 pm

Place: Paso Robles High School Gil Asa Gymnasium (located at 801 Niblick Rd, Paso Robles, Ca  93446)

Dress: Your favorite sports apparel.  Alexandra Bigelow, Brookelow, Caedmon Van Bigelow and I are particularly in favor of representing for the Seattle Seahawks in honor of DJ.  PRHS Bearcat apparel is also a good choice, as is any sports team that you like.  Special Note #1 - I am still nursing a grudge against the NE Patriots, so please look for something else in your closet.  Special Note #2 - If you have no sports apparel or no favorite team, please dress comfortably, since bleacher-style seating is not particularly comfortable.

Please stay tuned for a manner in which you can RSVP, which will help my event staff to better coordinate this affair.  

Thank you for loving us.

PS - please feel free to share this information with your non-digital friends.

Give Me Jesus

Dear Friends,  I am overwhelmed by your expressions of love and kindness and support and encouragement.  There are not enough hours in the day to personally respond to each you, although I will attempt to do so.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving us.

DJ gave a gift to me the week that we called Home Health - he asked me to take a day off work, and he broached the subject of his death and "putting our affairs in order", more or less.  For the past month I had prayed that when the time was right for this to be discussed, HE would be the initiator of the conversation; and my prayer was answered.  We enjoyed a lovely day together, the last time that I posted.  I am very grateful for that day and for our conversation and for that last walk that we took together.  ("How far do you think we walked?", he asked.  "One-half mile," I replied. "No way!  It was at least three miles!", he insisted.  He's a turkey.  :-)

Here's a shout-out to Markus Lehr for the precious picture drawn for DJ; I hung it by DJ's hospital bed in the living room.  

From October 17 until this past Thursday, DJ used the oxygen only at nighttime to supplement his breathing.  He seemed "fine" (for this new normal) during the day, although I always felt sad to leave him alone during working hours.  At the same time, he really was "fine" because he is DJ (and I wanted to save up time off from work for...whatever might come).  Several friends would check in on DJ at various times, bring him a bean burrito from Taco Bell, et cetera.  And on the weekends, I would stay as near to DJ as possible; we would watch "Blue Bloods" episodes with Alex, trying to catch up to the 100th episode that DJ and Alex were able to watch be filmed last November when they took a trip to NYC.

On Thursday last, October 29, DJ had a little "episode" in which the short trip from his bed to use the restroom caused his breathing to be extra belabored and uncomfortable.  Our friend Lainey Stroud had happened to stop by for a check-in (thank you, Lainey!), and she helped him get comfortable and stable back in bed.

I don't remember hearing anything extraordinary during that night re: DJ's shortness of breath; but when I awoke on Friday morning, he asked me to take the morning off work and find someone to stay with him.  He did not want to be left alone.  I whisked the kids off to gracious friends' homes so that they could be transported to school (thank you, Marcy Elaine and KD Rickerd!); and I spent the morning sitting quietly beside DJ on the couch.  He was more short of breath than ever before, so he used the supplemental oxygen for the whole day.  At first, 2 liters per hour; then 3; and I gradually bumped up the intake as the day progressed and as his breathing became more belabored.  And I switched out the wall unit to the portable unit in order for him to take a trip to the restroom, but even then his oxygen saturation levels were very low.  His bowels were also stopped up for two days, and DJ was uncomfortable.  

The Home Health Nurse visited in the late morning and witnessed the tail-end of a trip-to-the-restroom episode; she instructed me to purchase an oximeter (the little device that slips over the finger and measures oxygen saturation and heartbeats per minute), and to monitor DJ closely.  Home Health also ordered an additional container of oxygen that would allow up to 15 liters to be delivered, which seemed extreme to me, but which I utilized later.

Our friend Adolfo Cabello had been coming once and twice daily since the hospital bed took up residency, to lay hands on DJ and to pray fervently and boldly for him, and to tell cancer to get out of town in the Name of Jesus Christ. DJ and I waited expectantly and hopefully for that to occur (and I also have been praying that if God chose to take DJ to Jesus, He would be merciful on DJ's suffering and do so quickly).

I had asked our friend Joel Platter if he would come sit with DJ in the afternoon so that I could go to work; but Joel was unavailable, and DJ did not want anyone else.  I am so glad that Joel was unavailable, and that he was honest!  I had no idea that Friday would be my last day with DJ, and I am so glad that I stayed with him.  Thank you, Joel!

By the late afternoon, DJ had been resting or sleeping for most of the day with his eyes closed; I "needed" to run errands, but the first person I asked to come sit with DJ was unavailable, also.  I am so glad!  Thank you Christine Atherstone!  And thank you to Sue Mahoney, who ran errands for me.  By this time, even though his eyes were closed and he seemed un-alert, DJ was very aware and unhappy if I left his bedside.  So I played worship music and rubbed his feet and sang songs to Jesus.  

By the evening, the girls were involved in Friday Night Teenage Life - PRHS Bearcat football - and Caedmon's friend Dylan had come from Hume Lake, and Jerel Haley made a trip to the drugstore to bring stool-softener (is that TMI for you, Reader?) and an oximeter (thank you, Jerel!).  By that time DJ was resting quietly and seemed "fine".

But shortly after I fell asleep, he began to thrash about and to mumble and to be awake and increasingly short of breath.  He had begun to use a face mask for oxygen, which I increased to 10 liters, and it was difficult for me to understand his words.  One time he told me he was talking to his dad; another time he asked if the girls were home; another time he told me he was talking to his mom; and he said other non-sensical, difficult-to-understand things.  Two times he got up to use the restroom, trying to move his bowels, poor guy, but he was as if in a drunken stupor.  Trying to wheel his portable oxygen tank and more-or-less support his full body weight to the restroom without either of us toppling over and cracking open our heads was a challenge.  Thank You, God, for protecting us!

I had been monitoring his oxygen saturation at various times throughout the night, which would fall to 77 per cent (that's bad - too low!) and "rise" to 85-89 per cent; his heart was pulsing at 135 beats per minute, also.  I wondered about a trip to the ER, but the need never seemed to last long enough to warrant that.

At 5:30 am, I lay in my sleeping bag praying for wisdom, knowing that the next-step of care was in order, and counting down the hours until the Home Health Nurse would arrive at 9:00 am.  I gave her the run-down as soon as she knocked on my door, she monitored his oxygen saturation, helped me load DJ into the car with a portable tank of oxygen, and sent me to the ER.

The tank became depleted just as we arrived, and poor DJ was gasping and asking for air.  The ER intake nurse helped me get him into a wheelchair and asked me as we whisked to a room, "What do you want us to do?"  I burst into tears, "I want you to help him not suffer!"  

The nurses immediately gave DJ oxygen as well as a breathing treatment, and he calmed down, more or less.  The ER doctor took an x-ray of DJ's chest and showed me the image of his only lung: what should be black looked like a thin white, lacy sheet, and the "white" was disease.  It had almost entirely taken over his lung.  He also had an ultrasound of DJ's legs taken, searching for blood clots (of which there were none).  He spoke to our oncologist Dr. Spillane, and he offered to hospitalize DJ; but I knew that we needed to be at home with the family.  

The times that DJ and I have been in the hospital are times that I have preferred to be left alone.  As much as I love you all, it's my time with DJ and Jesus there.  But our friend Brian Lewis disregarded that and came - and I am grateful that he did.  Thank you, Brian, my Blunt Friend.  His Firefighter/EMT-ness was perfectly helpful, and the nurses gave us lots of extra stuff that they knew Brian would return to them (oxygen tank, blanket, et cetera).

A lot of what DJ spoke seemed delirious and otherly, but he would break out with something rational or aware or funny every so often.  He told Brian to stop yelling, which makes me laugh.  :-)

The nurse administered morphine to DJ, Brian called Hospice and arranged for them to come to my home, and after a three-hour visit to the ER, we departed. 

Back at the ranch, Happy and Scott Saunders came to my home to take Dylan and Caedmon to play together and to a Halloween party; and the Hospice nurse arrived and began to interview me; and my sister arrived from Washington; and DJ's oxygen saturation continued to drop.  The Hospice nurse suggested that I call DJ's people to say goodbye.  I asked her to give DJ as much morphine as she was allowed to make him comfortable.  The kids each came and held his hand and told DJ that they loved him, and he told them "I love you more than you'll ever know."

Caedmon cried and hugged me, and we spoke words of comfort to each other about DJ going to be with Jesus.  And he said, "Mom, you know how you tell us that God gives us what we need?  I think God sent the Saunders from Hume Lake this weekend because I need them."  I agree.  And so Caedmon chose to go party the night away with his "brothers", because we had no idea how long DJ would take to fly to Jesus and I didn't see the need for Caedmon to keep watch.  God gives us what we need.

DJ's parents were driving speedily from San Jose to our home; but when his blood pressure dropped significantly, the nurse suggested that I open up the phone line and let them speak.  Through tears, they said to DJ the same thing he had told our kids: "We love you more than you'll ever know."  It was precious.

Jerel Haley appeared, and Brian Lewis came to say goodbye, and Ellalina Emrich-Keller did the same (all my widowed friends :-).  And my sister was here.  And in what feels like the last 10 minutes or so, they drew away and I had some moments with My Love.  He prayed for us, and I prayed for us; and then he said, "And pray for Tyler Lockett" - which made me laugh.  So I prayed, "And, LORD, we pray that Tyler Lockett will make lots and lots of touchdowns for the Seahawks!"  I sang Jesus songs to him, and I told him that I wanted him to go be with Jesus.  And Alex appeared and held his hand, and played him a song from "Once" on the piano.  And all of a sudden DJ took off the mask; and his belabored, gasping breathing stopped.  He was quiet for 20 seconds; then he would take a huge breath; then rest quietly; then startle Alex and me with a huge breath; and we didn't know if he was with us or with Jesus.  It made Alex and me smile, that it was as if he was messing with us even then.  And then Brooke appeared.  And then he was quiet, and we knew that his suffering was past and that Jesus had taken his hand.  

Wow.  The LORD is so good to me: I asked that DJ's suffering would be short, and it was; DJ went to Jesus at 4:54 pm, 6 minutes before the nurse's shift ended (and it was super wonderful to have her with us for those 3 hours); and I'm grateful that it occurred before the sun set, because it would have been more difficult to bear in the nighttime; and my sister had arrived, and we are surrounded with love and support, and "precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of those faithful to Him."  And the LORD will never leave us or forsake us. And the hope of eternal life is good.

Dan and Penny and Shannon Bigelow arrived shortly thereafter, I spent a moment in Brooke's room with the girls and we cried and laughed together, they decided they wanted to attend their Teenage Functions with their friends, I started a load of laundry, people came by...the usual.  :-)

I did climb up into that bed and snuggle with DJ's still-warm body for a moment, because I hadn't been able to snuggle with him for many weeks (his pain was too great).  I kissed him.  I stroked his hair.  I told his body that I was sad we wouldn't see our grandchildren together, but being with Jesus is better.  And later the mortuary came and took his body away.

And we did gathering and grieving sort of things that one does at this time.  And I did the dishes.  

Later that night I drove to the house where Caedmon was partying; Happy and Scott and Dylan and Caedmon were waiting on the curb for me.  The first thing Caed said was, "Are you alright, Mom?".  "Yes, I'm aright, because Daddy went to be with Jesus."  "I know," he told me.  And he decided to spend the night with Dylan.  And Brooke the Social Butterfly decided to spend the night with her Teenage Friends.  And Alex's drama friends encompassed her in a big ol' group hug when I picked her up (one out of three of my kids came home :-). And I slept in DJ's hospital bed, and I wept, and I felt very peaceful.  "We grieve with hope."

What a day.

And yesterday was a good day.  I took a long walk with Penny and Alex and LaRae and Haven (my Niecey-niece).  And I took a long, hot shower.  And I talked through grieving issues with my sister.  And Dan and Alex and LaRae and Haven and I went to Paso Robles Ford and picked out a car (thank you to Everyone who has donated funds to me - I am humbly grateful).  And people came and went.  And Caedmon returned from his time with the Saunders and immediately launched into a 6-hour Minecraft playdate with Shannon.  And LaRae and I snuggled on DJ's hospital bed and watched the Seahawks, both of us wearing DJ's Hawks jerseys/apparel.  And I took a short nap.  And more people came.  And Dan and Penny returned to San Jose.  And Brooke cleaned her room - HALLELUJUAH!!  And the Seahwaks won, by only one little point, but YAHOOO!!  And my mother and Kevin and Scott Thomas Wittstock arrived.  And we all watched Haven Rae run around the living room, post-bath and naked, bonking us with Caedmon's Styrofoam light sabers; and we laughed.  And I felt peaceful but exhausted, and I tried to watch the latest episode of "Survivor" with Alex, but I fell asleep.  And I awakened at 1:00 am with a song of peace in my heart, "Who is This King of Glory?".  And I am grateful that the Prince of Peace is reigning in our home.

And now I will face the business of death, which will be so much easier with my family members gathered to assist.  And my primary concern is that I do what is best for my kids (and for myself), which will probably be different for each of them and is likely to change at any given moment.  And I expect that my emotions will be on a roller coaster in the coming days and weeks and however long, and that's okay.  And the girls and I plan to attend school and work today, because the normalcy of routine is desirous to us (and because my work is so wonderful and fun for me).  And Caedmon has opted to hang out with Shannon and Grammy and Kevin and Uncle Scott and Auntie LaRae and Haven Rae (he knows a good gig when he sees one: why go to school, when your mom offers to let you choose that or to play video games all day?  :-)  And tomorrow is the last volleyball match for Brooke's freshman team and for DJ's varsity team, which I plan to attend.  And I would really like to get a pedicure.

And we will live one day at a time, and we will enjoy one moment at a time, and we will grieve, and we will press into Jesus, and God will continue to show us the glory of the LORD.  It's all good.

Thank you for loving us!  We love you back.

"This is the Air I Breathe..."

Hello, Friends,

DJ's pain continues to be bothersome and present, in spite of lots and lots of pain pump medication adjustments by the Pain Management Specialists.  Dr. Untal's staff has increased the amount of Dilaudid being delivered to DJ's chest cavity; and another drug named Bupivacaine has been added, as well.  Also, DJ has been given a little remote control which he is able to point toward the pump implanted under his skin and administer an extra "push" of the drug(s) when he experiences break-through pain.  He experiences break-through pain often, more often than the once-every-six-hours, limited-to-twice-per-day that is programmed to be released when he pushes the button.  As of yesterday, he is allowed to push the button three times per day.  Perhaps this will grant him more relief.

DJ underwent a CT scan last Wednesday, October 14, and the results are as follows: there is "extensive damage" from and "significant growth" in the mass in DJ's ribs (not surprising to me in the least - I guess that this is the primary cause of DJ's pain); there are lots and lots and lots of nodules in DJ's only lung, which are increasing in size and in number; and now (for the first time) there is a spread of the disease to DJ's liver.  This is a big bummer.

For the  most part, DJ and I both took this news in stride.  As I said, it's not surprising that the cancer is growing and spreading, considering the decline in DJ's health and well-being and the increase in his pain and fatigue.

On Saturday morning, DJ asked for a hospital bed and for oxygen (to supplement his nighttime breathing - he has been having some difficulty getting deep, full breaths at night).  I made some phone calls, a nice fairy waved her magic wand, and by that afternoon both the hospital bed and oxygen were installed and available for our use.  We are blessed beyond measure.  The Home Health - Palliative Care intake nurse came Sunday morning to interview DJ and set him up for making him as comfortable as possible.

Since the day that DJ began the clinical trial in August, he has been sleeping on the couch in our living room (mostly because our bedroom on the second floor of the house is 10-15 degrees higher in temperature than the ground floor, and DJ does not like to be overheated; also because the flatness of our regular bed is more uncomfortable than various ways DJ can position himself on the couch and using the recliner in the living room).  For the same amount of time, Caedmon and I have been camping in sleeping bags on the living room floor beside DJ.  Well, on Saturday night, DJ began sleeping in the hospital bed, and I upgraded to the couch!  :-)  Caedmon remains on the floor, but he doesn't seem to mind; and he chooses that over his own bed every night.  

The hospital bed is a blessing because it allows DJ to raise and lower his head and feet at whatever increments are most helpful.  The oxygen is a blessing because it allows his lungs and blood to be filled with what we all need - O2! Does this remind you of a lovely song about Jesus?  "This is the air I breathe…this is the air I breathe…Your Holy Presence, living in me!"  To date, DJ only utilizes the oxygen during the nighttime.

The Home Health intake nurse came to meet with us on Sunday morning; she has arranged for DJ that a Home Health Certified Nurse Practitioner will visit once per month, and a Home Health Registered Nurse will come once per week, and a Home Health physical therapist visited yesterday to encourage DJ to ambulate at a tolerable level in order to enhance his quality of life.  The physical therapist was encouraged by DJ's ability to move about; she gave him some particular exercises to utilize in order to strengthen his muscles and keep his bones strong, and she declared that she won't return unless DJ declines such that he is unable to get out of bed.  She also told us that DJ should only exercise at a level that is tolerable to him; so I am not allowed to be a "slave driver".  :-)

Except for his attendance at last Tuesday's volleyball game (8 days ago), DJ's movement and activity is restricted to trips to the restroom and medical field trips.  Medical field trips have been occurring at a steady pace, and they generally cause DJ's pain to be increased.  The travel, the sitting upright in straight-backed chairs in waiting rooms, the various positions he is asked to assume for CT scans and brain MRI's - these are all difficult and painful for him to withstand.  Otherwise, DJ remains in his bed, resting and seeking comfort. Oh - except that he and I did take a walk today!  That was the first one in a couple weeks.

DJ and I visited with our local oncologist Dr. Spillane on Monday last.  The study drug which was administered to DJ by Dr. Rosen through the UCLA has finally been FDA approved, so Dr. Spillane has access to it now.  DJ had more or less removed himself from the clinical trial, but he told Dr. Spillane that he would like to take that drug again.  As a study drug, it was called "TAS-102", but now it has a name: "Lon Surf".  I don't quite know what is the etymology of "Lon Surf", but I will do some research.  :-)  Dr. Spillane ordered the drug, which will come to us from a specialty pharmacy.  Also, since the drug was so harsh for DJ to tolerate (especially the nausea and the vomiting), Dr. Spillane has prescribed the drug at about 2/3 dose.  And DJ can choose how much and how long he wants to take it.  Obviously, the drug did not take away the cancer, neither did it keep the cancer from growing and spreading.  But we don't know what good things it may have done (or what would have occurred if DJ hadn't taken it).  So I told DJ that I will cheerlead whatever choice he makes in his treatment.  "Rah-rah-ree!  Kick 'em in the knee!  Rah-rah-rass!  Kick 'em in other knee!"  :-)

Dr. Rosen also ordered an MRI of the brain, which occurred yesterday; we await those results yet.  

My emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride of loop-de-loops.  There are times that I feel unshaken, calm, strong, peaceful, steadfast and sustained. God's grace is certainly administered to me and to us in AMAZING ways, of which you are a very significant part.  I wonder that the LORD has granted to me a particular gift of faith; trusting is very easy for me to do.  There are also times that I have felt sad and grief-stricken.  I have shed some tears. I have laughed.  I have looked into my husband's eyes and told him that he is the best thing that ever happened to me, and that I don't want him to suffer, but that we'll be alright because we have Jesus (and that it would be unbearable without Jesus), and thank you for asking me to marry you and thank you for being faithful to me for 22 years.  And there are times that I believe so deeply in my heart that God will heal DJ's body on this side of heaven, in spite of what my eyeballs see, that I skip merrily on my way with a light heart and with all sadness evaporated.  All of this in a matter of days.  I'm telling you, it's like a roller-coaster ride!  :-)

But at the end of the day, and in the pit of my belly, this is what I know with all my heart and with all my soul:  The LORD will never leave us or forsake us; God will do what will glorify God the best, and that will be what is the best for us. The LORD is worthy of our worship, and we will trust in Him with all our hearts. God is GOOD, and in that we place our hope.  We know the end of the story! "But our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ; Who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body" (Philippians 3:20-21).  

I read this today in a Jesus Lives by Sarah Young, and it blesses my heart: "Followers of Jesus face a glorious challenge every single day: to trust in His Love regardless of our circumstances.  We will experience many losses over the years, but the one thing we cannot live without is the one thing we can never lose - Jesus' loving Presence."  I agree, and this encourages and fortifies and comforts and strengthens my heart.

Thank you, as always, for praying for us; thank you for preparing meals for our family, for transporting DJ to his many medical field trips, for caring for our children, for texting me and calling me and encouraging me and for loving us up.  I am so encouraged by the deep and wide network of support that is embracing us.  We are resourced and blessed!  We love and appreciate you!

I am excited at how God is providing!!

Dear Anonymous x 50 (you know who you are!), and 50 other Kind and Generous and Loving and Gracious Persons, 

Thank you so very much for loving our family.  I feel humbled and grateful and a little bit awkwardly sheepish at the outpouring of love and affection that is occurring for our family via a Go Fund Me account, spearheaded by my mother's next door neighbor Patrick and administrated by my mother, and circled round and round and round the world via social media.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  Gracious.

For the past 9-or-so months, I have used my words to rehearse faith and hope and dependence on God's provision.  My mantra has been, "I am excited to see how God is going to provide for us!"  When our clothes dryer broke last February, I said, "Thank you, God, for California sunshine that dries our clothes, and I am excited to see how You will provide!"  And my sister and brother-in-law purchased a new washer and dryer for me.  And when the county of San Luis Obispo sent me a fairly large supplemental tax bill, I said, "I am excited to see how the LORD will provide!"  And after a few phone calls, my mortgage company sent me a check of the excess in my impound account, which covered the bill exactly.  And when I knew that DJ's employment and regular pay-check would be coming to end, I said, "I am excited to see how God will provide!" And the Paso Robles Public School District hired me full time with medical benefits.  And when our family car died, I said, "Thank you, God, for this clunker car that DJ bought for Alex to learn to drive, that carts our family around town, and which just last week I grumbled about.  :-).  And I am excited to see how You will provide!"  And friends have been so gracious to transport DJ to many, many doctor appointments while I work, and other friends have loaned me a reliable vehicle when I needed to drive farther than Templeton.  And then my mother offered to give her Toyota Camry to me, but then she told me that something bigger was occurring and how did I feel about a Go Fund Me account for us.  And I felt awkward to be advertised as such and to be the recipient of such generosity, but the LORD said to me, "Isn't exciting how I am providing for you?!?".  :-)

Wow.  I am overwhelmed by God's mercy and grace, expressed to us through you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And for the past months, I have not been able to forget about the time when Jesus tried to escape the crowds, but they followed Him to a remote place, and He spent the day teaching and hanging out with at least 5,000 of them, and by the end of the day they were hungry but there was no restaurant or grocery store or otherwise provision in the vicinity, and the disciples were anxious and cranky - but Jesus calmly said, "Whatcha' got? Five loaves of bread and two fish?  Let's thank the LORD for what we have, then let's pass it around."  And 5,000 (or more) persons ate to satisfaction, and 12 basketfuls of food were left over (don't throw out the leftovers!), and Jesus showed us the glory of God's provision.  And it has been such a blessing to my very own soul that I have not one time felt afraid or anxious about the decrease of income or the loss of DJ's ability to work or anything of that sort.  I have experienced such a peacefulness in my belly that is excited to see how God will provide!  

I am so very grateful for your part in our story.  Thank you.

Now that I have expressed my gratitude to you, I will give you an update about My Love.  I am happy to report that he is eating more and taking in more calories than he did the week of September 22, immediately post-op.  I am sad to say that DJ's pain has continued to increase, in spite of the pain pump being implanted into his body 2.75 weeks ago and even though the pain medication being delivered has been increased by 100 per cent, two times in the past week or so.  DJ has another appointment with the pain management doctor on Monday this coming, and I hope that Dr. Untal will dial up the med again. The other bummer for DJ is that the Dilaudid medication causes digestive difficulties, particularly in the form of constipation.  The nausea of two weeks ago is gone for the most part.  The other part is that DJ hurts and is digestively uncomfortable.  But he does not complain.  He does not speak very much conversationally, and he does not move very much away from the couch (I haven't even been able to coax him into a walk since last Sunday evening); but he does not complain or act angrily or unkindly to those of us with whom he shares space.  He just carries on.  What a guy.  :-)

It is becoming more and more difficult for DJ to attend his volleyball practices and games, but he is blessed with fantastic assistant coaches and with a groovy team of Lady Bearcats who carry on.  Here is a photo of (a Selfie of myself, which includes in the background) DJ giving his team some encouragement and instruction at a time-out of a game that he was able to attend on September 29:

Next up: a CT scan of his chest and pelvis on Wednesday, October 14 and an MRI of his brain on Tuesday, October 20.  I am very interested in the results of those scans, in that I speculate they will determine the next steps of treatment (whether or not DJ continues with the UCLA clinical trial, ???, et cetera ???).

In family news, Caedmon is excited to have begun Cross-Country with his school Georgia Brown Elementary.  I snapped this photo on the morning of his first Cross-Country meet, October 2, on which he double-represented - a Tigers jersey for his school, and 12th Man socks for Blue Friday (Go, Hawks!). Caedmon is more-or-less settling in to his 5th grade year of school; he just does not appreciate the amount of WORK that is given to and expected of him. Thank you for praying for our kids!

And that's my story for now.  Thank you for loving us!  We love and appreciate you!

Nine Things To Tell You

#1 - Were you so excited and happy that the Seahawks shut out the Bears on Sunday, 26-0?  "And there was great rejoicing in the land!"  Go, Hawks!  Next up: Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks, to be featured on Monday Night Football - yahooo!!  We will WIN, and it will be FUN and exciting!  (THANK you, Katie!)

#2 - Happy news for DJ Bigelow: the pain pump seems to be helping DJ's pain to be lessened.  Today he told me that his pain was at a 3 (as compared to what I guess was a 9.75 or so for the past weeks).  And the nausea seems to be lessening, as well (perhaps because he hasn't ingested chemotherapy for almost a week?  And perhaps because the surgical procedure and the general anesthesia are almost 10 days in the past?  And perhaps due to a new prescription - see #5 below).  And DJ is taking in more calories this week than he did last week. These are positive reports!

#3 - Current symptom: DJ's pain is "low" and his nausea is "low", but his energy levels are also very, very low.  I'm not sure if this is due to a lack of food and exercise, and/or due to the fact that chemotherapy is harsh on the body, and/or due to mental and emotional stress.  Perhaps all of these factors are affecting DJ's energy levels.  He has difficulty getting up the gumption to do much of anything; but he also has a bit of trouble getting a good night sleep.  I am yet hopeful that as this next week passes during which DJ is NOT ingesting the chemotherapy drug, and as his nausea continues to subside and his calorie intake increases, and perhaps if his physical activity increases as well, that his energy (physical as well as mental) will also increase. 

#4 - I am married to a retiree: DJ's most recent day of attending and performing work for the Paso Robles Police Department was August 12, the day before he began the clinical drug with the UCLA.  Since then, he has been incapacitated with pain and illness and not able to work.  And as of today, October 1, DJ has been medically retired from the police department.  This was not a surprise, actually - we had been expecting this to occur for most of this calendar year, and it was communicated to DJ on June 30 that the City of Paso Robles would apply for medical disability on DJ's behalf.  This is why I am SO GRATEFUL that I have been granted full-time employment and medical benefits with the Paso Robles Public School District!  I am also very grateful to the City of Paso Robles for their care of DJ - they have accommodated him and employed him and insured him for quite a time during our cancer journey. God's grace is abundant, and the City of Paso Robles is one of the vehicles of God's grace!  But as of today, DJ is retired.  :-)  He has enjoyed two exciting careers - youth ministry and law enforcement.  I wonder what our next life adventure will be.  

#5 - DJ attended an appointment at the UCLA with Dr. Rosen on Monday of this week.  Dr. Rosen prescribed the Sancuso patch in attempt to manage DJ's nausea more effectively, and the next step in DJ's treatment is diagnostic.  The protocol for the study drug TAS-102 is that the subject undergo a scan after 2 cycles of the drug before determining continued eligibility in the study.  Rather than traveling to Los Angeles to undergo the scan (8 hours round trip of riding in a car is unpleasant for DJ to endure), he has requested to receive scans locally.  So Dr. Rosen has connected with our own Dr. Spillane, who has ordered the scans (a CT as well as an MRI of the brain - Dr. Rosen wants to know if there is fluid there that is causing DJ's excessive nausea); and now we wait (perhaps for insurance approval?) to be scheduled with our local Radiology Diagnostics.  I am VERY interested to know the results of those scans, and to know how Dr. Rosen and/or Dr. Spillane will recommend the next steps of DJ's treatment.  Is the cancer shrinking?  Is it growing?  Is the drug successful?  Is it worth the misery that it causes?  I do not know the answers to these questions.  But the LORD knows!  And so I feel patient and peaceful to wait until what we need to know is revealed to us.  Isn't it fantastic that we don't have to worry?  Trusting and resting is so much better!  I highly recommend it.  :-)

#6 - DJ is scheduled for one more post-op-10-days, wound care appointment with Pain Management Dr. Untal tomorrow morning.  Miller Newlon is signed up to transport DJ to that appointment, and DJ is hopeful that he will have the last of the staples removed from his abdomen (half of them were removed last Tuesday at his 7-day post-op, wound-care appointment); and he is hopeful that the doctor will release him to take a shower!  He has not been allowed to immerse his body in water since last Tuesday's surgical procedure, and he wants to take a shower!  I can sympathize; "Cleanliness is next to godliness". 

#7 - Holly Bigelow's emotional state:  I am a roller coaster.  Sometimes I feel sad and tired; sometimes I feel happy and perky.  Sometimes I am cranky.  Sometimes I am cheerful and optimistic.  I am so glad that underneath are God's Everlasting Arms.  I am so happy that I know the end of the story!  :-)

#8 - Alexandra, Brooke and Caedmon: life as usual.  Alex - grand and groovy.  Brookelow - almost healed of her ankle injury, returned to volleyball this past week.  Caedmon - happy to be participating in Cross-Country and to have been invited to once-per-week GATE meetings at his school.  God's grace is abundant and good.

#9 - I'm so sorry that I have offered no photographic illustrations!  Are you weary of all these WORDS with no PICTURES?!??  I will work on that for next time.

The end.  Thank you for loving us.

Four days post-op

Hello, Friends,

Thank you for loving us.  This has been a very "interesting" week, with lots of different experiences for DJ and for me.

Tuesday was a peaceful day for me, because, past 8:45 am, DJ was under the heavy influence of general anesthesia for all of the day.  And being under general anesthesia meant that he did not suffer with pain as much as has been his recent experience. And him not suffering with pain meant that my heart felt more peaceful.

The surgical procedure occurred without any emergency complications, although it took longer than anticipated to sew DJ back up, and longer than expected for him to wake up.  He was very sleepy!  Which is most likely the reason that he agreed to pose for this photo - he was under the influence.  :-)  Here we are, at approximately 1:30 pm on Tuesday, in recovery post-op.  He was awake, but he was loopy.  :-)

DJ slept most of the day after he was released from the surgery center; the anesthesiologist telephoned that evening to ask after him, and encouraged me to wake him up every 30 minutes until 8:00 pm.  He was very, very sleepy!  But sleeping meant that he wasn't in painful agony.

Our brother-in-law Scott Thomas Wittstock happened to have scheduled a visit for the very day that DJ went to surgery, coincidentally, and the timing could not have been better.  I returned to work the next day, Wednesday, but DJ couldn't have been left alone - the general anesthesia was still at work, and DJ needed assistance.  He slept most of Wednesday, as well.

On the one hand, the pain pump seems to have granted immediate benefit.  The doctor decreased DJ's oral narcotic pain meds by half; even so, DJ's pain was manageable.  He did experience some post-surgical discomfort, since now he has incisions and staples in his abdomen as well as a little box (the pain pump) under his skin but sticking out of his hip, covered with bandages.  But overall, the pain pump is doing just what we hoped for!  Hooray!!

Unfortunately, although the cancer-pain lessened considerably, the chemo-nausea ramped up like crazy.  If DJ wasn't sleeping, he was dry-heaving and suffering with terrible nausea.  He hardly moved on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, either sleeping or dry-heaving or curled up on the couch seeking relief from the nausea.  Neither did he eat very much it all.  He has taken a few short walks with Scott or with me in these days, but it seems that we traded out one yucky, difficult symptom for another.

By Thursday afternoon, with one point five days left of taking the chemo drug, he decided to forego the last three pills of the second cycle.  I was in wholehearted agreement!  Whatever good we hope that the chemotherapy is doing in getting rid of cancer is difficult to endure due to the horrible nausea that it causes.  DJ tried to attend his teams' home volleyball game, but by the time he got off the couch and washed his face and put on some clothes and rode in the car to the high-school and walked to the gym, he was in dry-heaving, nausea agony.  He gave the team a quick little pep-talk and we went home.  And he did NOT take chemo that night, or the next day (yesterday).  And I hoped and prayed that the nausea would go away.  (The Lady Bearcats won their match in 3 games - yahoo!)

Yesterday, Friday, our brother-in-law Scott took DJ to the surgery center for a 3-days-post-op wound check while I attended my job.  The surgical site is healing well, and I am grateful that there is no infection or complication there.

In the meantime, the pain management doctor increased the amount of Dilaudid being delivered from the pump straight-away into DJ's spinal fluid, and instructed DJ to completely discontinue the use of the oral Oxycontin.  So DJ went from taking 80 mg Oxy for the past months, to 40 mg Wednesday through Friday of this week, to no Oxy today.  

And now I wonder, even though he was somewhat "weaned" from the narcotic drug, that DJ is experiencing withdrawal.  He is very nonverbal, speaking only when he asks for a drink or for assistance; and he seems vacant and discouraged. He told me today the he is tired of feeling tired and not being able to do anything.  This makes my heart feel sad.  I expect that this emotional/mental depression is a result of withdrawal from the drug, and that therefore in the coming days his emotional/mental energy will improve.  This occurred last year, also, after DJ had been taking narcotic drugs for pain for 8 weeks in a row and then he STOPPED cold turkey (because he greatly dislikes how the narcotics mess up his digestion).  For about five days, his body was present but his zest for life and it felt like his soul were absent.  And then it got better, as his body adjusted to the absence of the addictive drugs.  So I intend and I expect that "This, too, shall pass."  I hope that by this time next week, the nausea will be gone since he will be a week out from chemotherapy, and the pain will be managed since he will be 10 days post-op and mostly healed from the procedure AND he will be receiving pain medication delivered locally and straight-away into the site, and his energy will return as his body regulates the medications.  This is what I expect and intend and pray will occur.

In the meantime, we have to live but one day at a time.  Today when I asked the LORD what I should do, He told me "Worship".  I agree.  So I sing songs in my heart and I remind myself of Jesus Christ and the Cross and I make a list in my mind of the things for which I am thankful.  And even in the sadness, my heart is at rest, because the LORD will never leave us or forsake us.  I know that God's grace, administered to us as you pray so faithfully and diligently and fervently, is sustaining us.  I think that's why it's called AMAZING grace.  :-)

Next up: Firefighter Friend Michael Orr plans to transport DJ to his check-in with oncologist Dr. Rosen at the UCLA, Sunday and Monday; DJ will attend two more post-op, wound-care check-ups at the surgery center on Tuesday and Friday; and I presume that he will be scanned sometime in early October.

AND - the LORD will never leave us or forsake us.  :-)  Hooray!  AND - "Blessed are those whose trust is in the LORD."  Yahoo!  AND - "…our citizenship is in heaven, and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ - Who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body" (Philippians 3:20-21).  We have much in which to hope and rejoice!  :-)

With the intention of offering more illustrations to this article, I asked Alexandra to pose with a sleeping DJ - especially since she happened to be representing for the Seahawks that day!  :-)  Go, Hawks!  Tomorrow, we will WIN against Chicago!  

Thanks for loving us!

The end, for now.